Is it more important to say “no” or “yes” when you’re a mom? I recently read a parenting book that suggested we should try to find a way to say "yes" more often. When a child asks to go to the zoo on Monday, instead of saying, "No," ideally the mom would say, “You may go on Saturday.” Unfortunately, this doesn’t work very well in my family. My young daughter would remain upset today, but remember my offer once Saturday arrived. I’ve learned this the hard way:  avoid promising anything later because it’s too hard to predict the future. How can I guarantee a weekend zoo trip when someone could get sick or it might rain?

I think previous generations doled out a firm “no” easier than some of us today. In fact, a stranger walked up to me and my baby in the mall one time and offered an odd bit of advice (as people often do to new moms). The old woman said, “The most important thing you can do as a parent is to mean it when you say, ‘No.’” I smiled and nodded, wondering if this was a personal regret of hers or a general criticism of parents today. Naïvely, I assumed I’d have no problem giving my child boundaries and sticking to them.

But I admit, I have been guilty of saying “no” as a reflex then second-guessing myself. Kids ask so many questions, it can be overwhelming: “Can I have a play date?” “Can I have some ice cream?” “Can I watch TV?” They want things and we hold the power to grant their wishes. I hate it when I initially say "no", then reconsider and realize I can say "yes." Therefore, my favorite answer (and one I remember my own mother giving) is to say, “Let me think about it.” Magically, time gives me perspective and strengthens my resolve. Somehow stepping away from the topic also seems to help my daughter accept my answer. Or best of all, she actually forgets what she asked for.

So, I’m torn on the yes/no issue. The other day I told my seven-year-old to hang up her clean clothes. This is a task I usually do for her, but am trying to transition onto her shoulders. She asked if I would help. Because she has trouble squeezing the levers on the pants hangers, I decided that I would. She brought me the empty hangers, I placed the clothes on them and then she hung the outfits in the closet. In fact, she smiled as we worked together. Before I knew it, the laundry was put away. Afterwards, I felt good about the compromise.

Until my daughter said something that I couldn’t quite decide how to take. She said, “I love you, Mommy, because you always say yes.”

Does that mean I’m a good mom? 

Is motherhood a full-time job? Yes. But it doesn't pay very well. I think that's why my husband freaks out when our seven-year-old daughter announces that she plans on staying home when she grows up and letting the "daddy" work. Other times, she talks of living with us forever, which freaks him out even more.

Just yesterday my daughter wouldn't eat much dinner because she'd filled up on Triscuits. Her dad declared, "You're never eating crackers for snack again." She piped up, "Yes, I will. When I grow up and have my own house." I chimed in, "That's another reason to get a good job, so you can move out and eat all the crackers you want." (Sell it--sell it.)

It's my own fault, really. I think I've sent my daughter mixed messages. Since she was born, I've stayed home with her, arranged play dates and chaperoned school field trips. Now that she's in school all day, I work from home, but as far as she's concerned, I'm still just home. I feel lucky I can do that, but my daughter never knew me before. In my life B.C. (before child), I put myself through graduate school. I worked a satisfying job (and several unsatisfying ones). I traveled to Europe. I supported myself.

That's my husband's real concern. Will our daughter turn into a happy, independent adult? It'd be nice if she met a great guy and could afford to be a stay-at-home mom, if that's what she wants. But it'd also be nice if she had a rewarding career. A job that allowed her choices like I've had. 

Some days I think she gets it. Recently she said, "When I grow up, I want to be a vet. But I'll quit when I become a mom." If that's what you want, dear. Motherhood may not pay well, but it definitely has its perks. 

Whether you work at home or away, you deserve a treat. Click below for an excerpt about women whose lives are even more complicated than yours: A Sister's Promise or What Happiness Looks Like. If you liked this blog, please click "like" or "tweet" below.